Freakin Weird Blog

July 29, 2005
Burger Man

Question: What happens when you combine history with heart attacks?
Answer: You get the International Burger Hall of Fame

Located in Daytona Beach, Florida, this shrine to sweating meat was the brainchild of "Hamburger" Harry Sperl. A German native, Sperl decided that cultural life in America was much in need of a hefty shot of cholesterol to the arm. As a result, he opened the Burger Museum, which contains over 1,000 hamburger-related items, ranging from waterbeds to motorcycles.

Some may think he's one slice of cheese short of a Double Swissburger Deluxe Flatliner Special, but I believe we should be embracing the burger with open, spatula-like hands, not shunning it.

Coming next week, look out for The Museum of Fried Chicken Shaped Like Slightly Rude Body Parts, and a new online exhibit called "Presidential Kebobs".

Picture from here.

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 09:17 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 27, 2005
Ears and Eggs

If time is really such a precious commodity, why do people spend half their lives pouring it down the drain? There are a host of statistics out there – all of which I'm too lazy to research – that reveal things such as "the average human spends 12.4 years of his life in the bathroom". As annoyingly dull as these statistics are, the point is that we waste a lot of our time on unavoidable, mundane stuff – like sitting on the toilet, or shaving.

Then add-in the fact that about one third of the day is wasted on having to work a job, then more time is lost commuting to work, and yet more is dribbled away sleeping.

But that's not the end of it. Half of our conversations are with people we don't even want to talk to – so that's a few more hours lost – then there's shopping for groceries, mowing the lawn. Geez, come to think of it three quarters of our life is already spent. So that one free quarter we have – the precious, priceless block of time that we can do whatever we want with... surely it's something we'd really want to make the most of.

So if that's true, I have to keep asking myself why somebody would choose to voluntarily attempt to pull a car with his ears while standing on a large number of eggs.

Apparently Zhang Xingquan, 38, pulled the car for about 20 metres in Dehui, China. Exactly why he did this is unknown, but thankfully he didn't break any of the eggs.

Weird.

Picture from here

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 16:18 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 25, 2005
Soap Lady and the Giant Colon

A liver the size of Iowa. Artery walls harder than diamond-tipped drills. Lungs like wrinkled weather balloons. To many, these would seem like strange physiological miracles. To me, they're just the results of yet another yearly medical.

But there's no doubt that human bodies ARE very weird. All it takes is for a few cells in the wrong place to start getting a little bit hyper, and suddenly you've developed an extra limb or woken up to find your internal organs are like over-ripe bananas.

So for fans of medical curiosities, check out the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia, PA. This collection of weird and wonderful pathological specimens will have you gagging in delight as the crushing reality dawns of just how weird Mother Nature can be.

You'll never eat another bran flake again once you’ve witnessed the spellbinding Giant Colon, a staggeringly swollen organ that looks like it belongs in a zombie horror film. Or maybe The Soap Woman is more your thing – the body of a woman who was buried in the 19th century and, due to some quirky chemical reaction, turned into a giant bar of Irish Spring.

From brains to baby deformities, any pre-held belief that humans are the perfect species will be shattered once you leave this museum. Some people will look at the exhibits and think they're shocking. Others will just think of their neighbors. I guess it just depends how small your hometown is.

Image from here.

posted by Dr, Wei, PhD 16:17 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 22, 2005
Combine Demolition Derby

When I was a small boy, there was nothing I enjoyed more than sitting at the edge of a field full of golden grain while watching the mechanical magic of the combine harvester at work. I loved the heady days of harvest. I relished the fierce battle of Man vs. Wheat. And on reflection, that's probably why I never developed any noticeable social skills, and had no friends apart from Angie the Angelic Dragonfly who used to hang around one of the tractors.

But now I'm older there's no need to hide my farming fetish, so I'm thinking about greasing my wheels and sharpening my blade and then heading down to Lind, WA for the Combine Demolition Derby.

Every year hundreds of competitors bring their souped-up combines so that they can go head-to-head in the pressure-cooker atmosphere of the Lind Arena. The drivers are egged on by an eager crowd of onlookers, who obviously have nothing better to do on a beautiful summer's day than to watch rusting pieces of farm machinery collide with each other.

The drivers of these corroded corn cutters battle it out to become King of the Combines, without breaking the tough, no-nonsense rules of the competition. High speed ramming is not allowed, and poor sportsmanship could lead to disqualification. After all, it's everyone's worst nightmare to encounter a speeding combine with attitude.

When they're not locking rotary blades, the competitors also find time for other, less important activities. Like growing crops. And occasionally harvesting them.

Picture from here.

posted by Dr, Wei, PhD 13:03 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 20, 2005
Rebuilding Noah's Ark

As the mysterious shroud of night slowly toys, then engulfs the delicate face of daytime, people often respond to the thick, oppressive darkness by reflecting on their lives, and envisioning what might lay ahead.

For some, these visions may involve future loves, career plans, or lavish dreams of travel to exotic, far-off places. For me they often tend to involve the entire cast of Baywatch, key lime pie and an electric...**clears throat** ... but enough of that.

During a series of nights in April, May, and June of 1974, Pastor Richard Greene had a vision that would change his life forever. In this vision, God - yep, the big man himself - told him he should re-build Noah's Ark.

In the vision, God told Greene to build the Ark as a warning to the world of Jesus' impending return to our planet. There's no sign of him yet, but that might be something to do with the terrible state of public transport these days.

The Ark, located off I-68 in MD, is being built to the same specifications of Noah's original – around 450 feet long and 45 feet high. Construction began in 1976, but after almost 30 years the Ark is still unfinished. This is primarily because the Ark is being funded purely by donations, but also because the Ark is being built to "God's schedule". Whatever that means is anybody's guess.

So if your local weatherman predicts a bout of prolonged, heavy rain, it might be worth getting down to Maryland. Although I wouldn't look forward to standing in line, two-by-two, by a couple of killer bees or a pair of rowdy rattlesnakes. Things could turn very nasty.

Picture from here.

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 11:17 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 19, 2005
Stonehenge II

Constant rain, emotionally repressed people, food that looks like it was extracted from a vat of Chernobyl clean-up waste... ahhh, just reminiscing with a few memories from my vacation to the UK.

But one thing the Brits do have going for them is decent beer, and a load of historical buildings and monuments. Now if only there was a way to experience all this great alcohol and history without having to endure an eight-hour transatlantic flight in a seat with so little legroom it would give a physically stunted ant Deep Vein Thrombosis.

Well I think I've found the answer to the history part of this problem. Head down to Stonehenge II in Kerr County, Texas.

The original Stonehenge is in Salisbury Plains, England and was constructed over 3,500 years ago out of two types of stone - sarsen and bluestone. Stonehenge, The Sequel was the brainchild of Doug Hill and the late Al Shepperd, and was built about 15 years ago out of metal and plaster.

It took about nine months to build, and stands alongside a pair of 13-foot tall Polynesian heads, which Al added after visiting Easter Island. Good job he didn't take a vacation to Venice, otherwise he might have flooded the joint.

There's no truth to the rumors that Al's wife had originally asked him to build a "garden shed", and he misheard her and built a garden head.

Photograph from here.

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 17:23 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 18, 2005
Cemetery Cook-out

There are certain things in life that should never be uttered in the same sentence. "Gwen Stefani" and "musically entertaining", "Joan Rivers" and "natural beauty", "fine malt whisky" and "Sprite mixer" are to name but a few. And after scouring the news archives of Ananova, I'd like to add another one to the mix: "corpses" and "cook-outs."

But that's exactly what's been going down in the Belgian city of Antwerp, according to news reports. Gravediggers there have been criticized for holding a barbeque party in a cemetery.

The graveyard partying was unearthed after Francois and Magda Boljau arrived at the cemetery to visit the grave of their son. But instead of serene quiet, they were met by the sounds of rampant partying from the gregarious gravediggers.

Mrs. Boljau was quoted as saying, "It was happening only 15 meters from his grave. The music of 'Sex bomb, sex bomb' was coming very loud from the loudspeakers. Children were playing between the graves. I couldn't stand it and ran away in tears."

Obviously this was an extremely inappropriate act that displayed a lack of sensitivity, and represented a massive error of judgment on the behalf of the gravediggers. Sick, twisted behavior like this can only be condemned.

I'd like to write more on the issue, but I have to run to attend an indoor rave and hog roast at my local funeral parlor...

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 14:25 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 15, 2005
Spoons Of The Air

There are several unanswered questions I have about Germany.

Are their home-grown musicians really THAT bad as to allow David Hasselhoff to be the biggest knockwurst on the musical grill? Do their manufacturers of jeans only possess one color of dye, namely "Aerosmith in 1982 faded light blue"? And now I have another one to add to the mix: Is cutlery still a novelty in that part of Europe?

Ladies and Gentleman, may I introduce you to the hottest site on the Web – Spoons Of The Air.

Labeled as "the largest collection of airline spoons on the Internet", this site contains all the information you'll ever need about aviation cutlery. From Aer Lingus to Lufthansa, spoons from a wide variety of airlines are put under the microscope and subjected to tough, no-nonsense reviews.

Commenting on the quality of the spoons on Delta Airlines, the reviewer fires-off: "'You love the way we fly!' was the slogan of Delta a few years ago. That might be right for traveling with Delta, but not for the spoon: too long (14.3 cm) and too heavy for easy traveling. And the design is quite unusual. The finishing is good, the logo impression on the backside is deep but a little bit unsharp."

The spoons on Air Canada seem to fair much better, but the review has a devastating sting in the tail: "The strange design of this spoon is realy an eye catcher. The little wings on the left and right of the handle are special, but not too dominating. The length of the spoon is good (13.6 cm), the polish is very good and the logo impression is perfect. But the spooon is too heavy to eat a light dessert."

Coming next week, look out for "Forks Of The Sea", "Rotisseries Of The Rails" and "Mugs Of The Road".

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 09:19 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 14, 2005
Mullet Tossers

To some people, a mullet is a disastrously bad haircut that was big in the 1980s. To others, it's a coastal-dwelling fish renowned for its unusual ability to suck up food like an anteater on steroids.

To some people, a mullet should remain forever tossed in the trash can of fashion history. To others, it should just be tossed.

Welcome to the world of mullet tossing.

If you find yourself at a loose end on April 28, 29 & 30 next year, what better way to spend the weekend than to head down to Flora-Bama in Pensacola, Florida for the Annual Interstate Mullet Toss.

Hordes of fish-flinging fanatics flock to this popular event on the Alabama/Florida state line to see just how far they can maneuver a mullet, and local celebrities add some glitz to the proceedings for the much-loved "Celebrity Tossers" round.

Competition is always fierce, but in the heat of the deep fried atmosphere it's vital to stick to the rules of the game. Each mullet weighs approximately 1lb., no gloves are allowed when handling the Piscean projectile, and the fish must be thrown from a 10' circle down a designated alley.

For those animal rights activists among us, I can confirm that each mullet is apparently DBT – Dead Before Toss.

Photo borrowed from here.

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 09:11 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 13, 2005
Extreme Ironing

What do you get when you cross the high-octane, adrenaline fuelled, pulse racing, knee shaking action of extreme sports, with the murky fluff in the seedy bellybutton of household chores? What do you get when scream and steam collide? What happens when you're living on the edge of life's less than perfectly angled crease?

The answer, my salivating friends, is Extreme Ironing.

Their mission is simple. To tame Mother Nature, conquer un-explored territories, battle the earth's harshest elements, and to do it all with nothing more than a collapsible ironing board, hand-held steam iron and an unshakable passion to stamp-out wrinkles.

Extreme Ironers from across the globe have been churning out silky-smooth shirts in deserts, on mountain tops and even at the North Pole.

This bunch of highly-trained athletes will stop at nothing in their quest for pressing perfection, and momentum is quickly growing to grant Extreme Ironing Olympic sport status.

If Extreme Ironing catches on in America, expect it to spawn a number of off-shoot activities such as Monster Vacuum Cleaner Off Road Racing, The 24 Hour Toilet Bleaching Time Trial, and Swiffer Wars. This is the stuff that pay-per-view was invented for.

Main image from here.

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 09:16 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 12, 2005
Roach For The Sky

The following is a public service announcement from The Department of Weird Travel and Tourism…

Looking to extend your kids' education beyond being able to recite every item on a McDonald's menu? Wondering how to distract Grandma from spitting partially chewed food across the dinner table? Maybe your wife's having an affair with Frank the slaughterhouse patron, and you want to woo her back.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o problem.

You can achieve all this and more by visiting one of America's most stunning tourist attractions. That's right – friends will be envious, co-workers will refuse to speak to you out of jealousy, and members of the opposite sex will melt like a Milky Way in the Saudi sun when you tell them you've been to THE COCKROACH HALL OF FAME.

Conveniently located off I-75 in Plano, Texas, this cultural golden nugget offers some of the finest dead cockroaches dressed as celebrities you'll ever see. From the lavish, sequined, ivory-tinkling magic of Liberoachi, to the cool, studious, financial brain of presidential-no-hoper-turned-insect Ross Pe-roach (pictured right), The Cockroach Hall Of Fame takes care of all your insect impersonating needs.

And after an action-packed day of watching these perished performing pests, what better way to unwind than to indulge in some "Larvets Original Worm Snacks". These seasoned insect larva will make your taste buds crawl with delight, and your stomach buzz with pleasure.

So what are you waiting for? Head down to The Cockroach Hall of Fame, because as they say- "Everything's bug-ger in Texas".

This marks the end of the public service announcement from The Department of Weird Travel and Tourism

So with that in mind, here are some other famous people I'd like to see at The Cockroach Hall of Fame. To make it easier on my failing brain, I've allowed myself the privilege of dipping into the whole insect family for this one.
1. Notorious B.U.G
2. Bee Bee King
3. Fly Stallone
4. Tick James
5. Moth-er Teresa
6. The Flea-Gees
7. Ant Jemima
8. Mite Dillon
9. James Spider
10. Critter-ney Spears
11. Davy Cricket

Did I leave any out? Email me with your picks for the Celebrity Insect Hall of Fame!

Photos by Wayne "the Grip" Newman, taken from here.

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 15:00 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 12, 2005
The Three Weird Sisters

In my ongoing quest to unearth some of the weirdest things on our very odd planet, it'll probably help to investigate the origin of the word "weird". Various sites offer differing definitions, but probably my favorite is from Wikipedia, which claims that "weird" derives from an ancient Anglo-Saxon and Nordic concept called "wyrd".

In short, the concept of "wyrd" relates to the idea that we’re all affected by our past actions, and these actions will perpetually affect what happens to us in the future.

Hmm, so no mention of cats dressed up as frogs then. What a shame.

But here's where things start to get interesting. If you dig a little deeper into the origin of the word "weird", you'll eventually stumble across the story of the Three Weird Sisters. The Three Weird Sisters come from Germanic mythology, and the three lovely ladies in question are Urd or Wyrd (the fate of the past), Verdandi (the fate of the present) and Skuld (the fate of the future).

The sisters also spring up in Shakespeare's Macbeth, where they were depicted as three witches.

So that got me thinking. What other weird sisters are out there? So I spent literally seconds racking my brain to come up with the following list:

1. The Scary Twins From The Shining
No, I don’t "wanna play" you ashen-faced, supernatural, blood-stained maniacs.
2. The Corrs
The Corr sisters make the list, because whenever I hear their music I suffer from this weird reaction which makes me want to boil my eardrums in a vat of sulphuric acid.
3. The Andrews Sisters
I think my buddy's father still has the hots for these 1940s warblers, which I find very unsettling.
4. The Barbie Twins
These little minxes never replied to my stream of letters offering to take them for a nice lamb lunch, followed by a romantic evening of dominoes under the stars – which I found weird.
5. Sisters Of Mercy
Ok, ok... so they’re not technically "sisters", but watch any one of their music videos and you’ll know exactly why they're on this list.
6. Ashlee and Jessica Simpson
One's in Dukes of Hazzard, the other's a musical hazard – very strange indeed.
7. The Olsen Twins
They're on the list because they're just straight out odd – and not because they're 10,000 times wealthier and better looking than me. Honest.
8. The Hilton Sisters
There's an old saying that you get out of life exactly what you put in. So isn't it weird how these two scamps have been able to buck the trend?

But enough of this random rambling, I want to hear what you think. Send me an email and include who would make your list. And why stop at sisters? After all, I don't want to prejudice any weird brothers out there. Or cousins. Or best friend's niece's room-mates. Well, maybe I should draw a line there...

Image of the Weird Sisters from www.gho-englisch.de

posted by Dr. Wei, PhD 09:03 E-MAIL THIS POST

July 9, 2005
What Is Weird?

What is weird?

It's a question I've been chewing over in my brain for a while now, and so far I've been unable to find a satisfactory answer. In fact some people might think it’s weird that I've spent so much time mulling over this issue, rather than pondering more meaningful things in life such as Tom Cruise's love life and Britney's swollen stomach. But more of that later.

So we all know weird when we see it, right? Weird is… well… ummmm...it's. Hmmm. Well, it's just weird, right? When you see it, you know it. It's the guy on the bus with the glass eye who jumps up at every stop and launches into a verse of "Jive Talking". It's the woman who quit her well paying job to open up a squirrel farm in Dubai. It's the neighbor who mows his lawn dressed as Stan Laurel, while catapulting pickled onions at low-flying Robins. It's...it's all of these things, and more.

Or is it?

Maybe the dictionary can help us. Look up the word "weird", and here's what you'll find:

Dictionary.com
weird
adj. weird•er, weird•est
1. Of, relating to, or suggestive of the preternatural or supernatural.
2. Of a strikingly odd or unusual character; strange.
3. Archaic. Of or relating to fate or the Fates.

n. 1 a. Fate; destiny.
b. One's assigned lot or fortune, especially when evil.
2. often Weird Greek & Roman Mythology. One of the Fates.

tr. & intr.v. weird•ed, weird•ing, weirds
Slang. To experience or cause to experience an odd, unusual, and sometimes uneasy sensation. Often used with out. [Middle English werde, fate, having power to control fate, from Old English wyrd, fate. See wer-2 in Indo-European Roots.]

Ok, so we're narrowing the field down a little bit. Something that's supernatural, strikingly odd or relates to fate can be considered "weird". But that still doesn't sit right with me, and here's why - apples.

I like to eat my apple by slowly biting a path-like trail down the center of the spherical fruit, and then swooping back around again to finish off each half. But this time...and this is the killer...i'll bite up and down in a zig-zag fashion until all the shiny green (or red, depending on the time of year) skin has been devoured. I then switch strategy again, and start tearing off the sweet flesh in a somewhat erratic horizontal sweep, with my front incisors pumping up and down like a sugar addicted woodpecker with a nervous condition.

I know you're probably not THAT interested in my fruit eating techniques (and if you were, would that make you weird?), but stick with me...I'm going somewhere with this.

A good friend of mine once watched me polish off a Granny Smith, and his first reaction was "You're SO weird". At first I didn't know what he was talking about, but then it hit me. We all do things different ways. We all have our little quirks, and our habits that we think are perfectly normal but others...well others would be quick to have you committed to the nearest asylum.

So the answer to our question, "What is Weird", is this. We are. Everyone is. People are a weird species. It must be in our genes. Come to think of it, genes themselves are weird. After all, it's hardly normal for something to start producing copies of itself out of thin air – but that's exactly what genes do. So if the very building blocks of life are weird, then humans don't stand a chance.

Weirdness is a purely subjective thing, and in this blog I'll be subjecting you to things that I think are odd, bizarre, peculiar, wacky, zany, outlandish, eccentric, weird and wonderful, astonishing, perplexing, unexpected, remarkable, alien, mysterious, different, novel, eerie, creepy and unusual. And I won't mention Tom Cruise once.

Now how weird is that?

posted by Dr. WEI, PhD 24:00 E-MAIL THIS POST